Okay - so it will surprise no one who knows me well, but clearly I am a slacker when it comes to updating this blog. I have so much to say and so many memories I want to capture before they're gone, I really need to make the time to think back and chronicle all the little moments from their first year.
The hard part is, I feel like I'm missing so much of their babyhood and lately it's really getting to me. I know how lucky I am to have a job right now, especially when my company just laid off so many people, many of whom have been here a lot longer than me. I like my job, my company, I have great hours and a wonderful nanny whom the boys love and who has been with us since they were 5 months old. So what do I have to bitch about?
First, let me confess that going back to work when they were younger probably saved my sanity. I know that sounds awful, and the months that I was home on maternity leave were great, but it was so much harder than I ever imagined. Taking care of two newborns full time, nursing, pumping, never sleeping - I felt like I was just trying to survive day to day and wasn't "enjoying" my babies like I should. And I had lots of help! Going back to work was hard, but I also stopped pumping at the same time, the boys started sleeping better (sort of) and it really felt like my body and my life were getting back to something resembling normal for the first time in over 2 years (counting TTC, IF, my m/c, IVF, and the demands of a twin pregnancy).
Yet as the months have passed, I've found it harder to go to work every day rather than easier. Yes, we have a good routine and the boys are thriving with the nanny who probably has a lot more energy than I would every day. As they're growing and becoming such amazingly special little boys - I find that I really hate not being there for them all day. I resent that the nanny knows some of their habits and new stages better than I do. This morning I had to drive away while they were watching with their little faces pressed against the front window watching me leave. And while I know they'll never remember and 5 seconds after I'm gone they're on to the next toy and totally fine - I can't help feeling like they must wonder why Mommy is always leaving them. When I'm home they cling to me and scream if I so much as walk into the next room. They hear the a door open and they run/crawl down the hall saying "Mom-mom-mom-mom-mom" as they rush to find me.
It feels like they need me so much at this stage and honestly, I need them. I want to be the one teaching them new things, helping them discover new skills and explore their world. I want to be the one taking them to the park or the library or the zoo every day - not just on weekends when it's so crowded and we're trying to cram in "quality family time" like everyone else. I feel like I never have enough time to give them and I don't like living with that constant guilt. I let other things go because I have a hard time justifying doing anything other than spending time with them when I'm not at work. I know I need to work out and lose some of this baby weight for my own health - but would I rather spend 30 minutes on the treadmill or read stories with the boys? No contest. I know I should write more, make photo albums for the boys, organize the house and hang some family pictures - heck one of these days I should actually finalize our wedding photo album!
Of course, nothing says I'd love being a stay at home Mom and I know that. It's got to be one of the toughest jobs there is and I'm sure I'd be home for a month and thinking - I really want to go to a lunch meeting or take a conference call! I just feel like I want to take care of my home and my kids while they're young enough for it to make a difference - and while they still want to spend time with me, LOL. I know how fast they'll grow up and want me to drop them off a block from the mall. I waited so long for these babies and went through so much - and now I'm missing the best part of watching them grow.
Chris takes the bar in a few months and once he passes (hopefully the 1st time!) and starts practising, I really think I will look at staying home if we can make it work with the health insurance coverage, etc. It would be great if I could work 2 -3 days a week - maybe some at home, and who knows - maybe that will be a possibility with the new company merger. But I know I don't want to work every day much longer. The balance needs to tip towards more time with my boys.